Jamey sucks as a ghost.

Maybe it’s just that I suck as a widow.

Perhaps it’s a combo of both; perchance it’s nether.

Regardless of the reasoning(s), I have yet to be significantly “visited’ by my deceased husband.

He has yet to pull any meaningful “Love Boat” guest appearances in my dreams.

I don’t eye-spy his silhouette rocking softly in his favorite chair on our front porch(ok, he never really did that anyway, but I like the eerie imagery).

I don’t “feel him next to me” at significant events like graduations or birthdays or black belt tests.

It’s almost like he’s….ummm…dead(oh, wait).

I know what many of you might be thinking right now,

• “You don’t believe he’ll show up, that’s why he hasn’t”.
• “Your lack of faith is blocking him accessing you; you need to be open and ready  for him to cross over to you”
• “Just look for the little signs of him like cardinals or butterflies…”

And, you know what? Maybe you’re right. 

Am I a skeptical, rational person by nature? 

Well, I’ll have to fully think out my answer before making any firm commitment either way, but a short answer would be “Yes.”

So if your rationale for him not “showing up” is that I don’t believe“, then that’s a fair excuse.

If you believe he hasn’t “come through” because I’m blocked or unacessible..umm…ok I guess that kind of makes sense(except it really doesn’t, which I’ll get to in a minute).

And on the cardinal/butterfly front–I’m more than happy to think of Jamey when I see these creatures, and often do.

 They are both definitely meaningful symbols for Caeley so I always reinforce that link for her and, in turn,  for me.

So if you’re going to make broad, sweeping explanations for why I haven’t been visited by Jamey yet, I accept your rationales.

But here’s where things start to get a little convoluted in my mind.

I ask myself: “IF it’s possible to somehow enter into the “world of the living” from the “world of the dead”, there would have to be some compelling motive behind it, right? 

I mean, if I’m a ghost some day, I’m not going to waste all my ghostly juices visiting the person who left her shopping cart in the middle of the aisle at Shop Rite on Sunday, am I? (Actually, I might–I’m just that petty).

I’m likely going to retain my energy for the people who matter….

The people I love(d),  

And if I love(d) these people enough to go all otherworldly transformational on them, that likely means I knew them pretty darn well.

And Jamey knew me pretty darn well. 

So he’d know I was rational and skeptical and questioned everything! 

He’s know it would be impossible for me to be fully open and accessible to the thought of him visiting. 

He’d know that showing up in bird or butterfly form wouldn’t fly(yup) with me because I’d dismiss it as wishful thinking. 

He’d know that, in order to truly connect with me, he’d have to go above and beyond….from the beyond.

I’m thinking something like taking a Polaroid of himself holding the local heavenly newspaper (maybe “God’s Gazette”, “The Jewish Journal”, “Atheists Daily”?) 

Initial post–2015

Update: March 31st, 2021–Still waiting on that sign…..