Friday the 13th: Happy Lotion and Glove Day!

IMG_9496Tomorrow is Valentine’s Day. I’ve never been a huge fan of the day and Jamey was a realistic, not a romantic gift-giver so I’ve learned not to get my hopes up for being overwhelmed with romance. One year, I got a card and new drainers/stoppers for my kitchen sink–ah….you can almost taste the passion!! But every now and then, he’d surprise me with some chocolates or flowers and they were always a nice surprise. But I knew Jamey well enough to never expect much. And he knew me well enough to know that I really didn’t care either way if he got me something or not.

So this morning, I  was running the neighbor’s dog, Lexi, in my backyard with my two beasts  when I noticed a FedEx truck pulling away from my driveway. Jamey had just received his oxygen tank yesterday, so I knew the truck wasn’t dropping off oxygen. Don’t worry–he doesn’t actually need  oxygen yet. When nurse Marianne(think I’ve been spelling her name wrong) went through her checklist of symptoms the other day and asked if Jamey had any difficulty breathing, he answered “yes.” He was so tired of visits that day that I think he would’ve answered “yes” if she’d asked him if the Dallas Cowboys were his favorite football team. So anyway, now we have an oxygen canister in the house. My lack of knowledge regarding combustible gasses leads me to believe that at some point in the near future, my house will likely explode. So if you hear about a house explosion in Mullica Hill, NJ, rest assured it’s probably us. Anyway, we weren’t expecting any deliveries, so I was intrigued by the FedEx delivery and who’d sent us what. I have to admit that for a minute I’d entertained the possibility that somehow, Jamey had managed to remember not only what month it was, but also that it was customary for husbands to provide some token of affection for the wives on Valentine’s Day. Suspending all logic(such as how would he order anything online without any internet access or credit card access) my hopes briefly soared that he’d sprung for a box of chocolates or bouquet of roses–if nothing else, the roses would cover up the ever-present smell of cat pee. Rational thought quickly shocked my skull however, and I entertained a more practical possibility: perhaps someone else had sent me a Valentine’s Day gift under the guise of Jamey, kind of like when I was in the 5th grade and sent a note to a boy I had a crush on telling him I liked him. At first I signed my name, but then covered my name up with a sticker and signed someone else’s name. (Wait, why the heck did I do that again?) So anyway, I thought someone sent me something for Valentine’s Day on Jamey’s behalf. Of course there was always a third option—the Valentine’s Day gift wasn’t for me at all–maybe someone was sending Jamey a gift–or perhaps Caeley! I did teasingly tell the boy who has a crush on Caeley that she really likes chocolates(hint, hint). Then again, I also told him that if he ever wanted to date her, he was going to have to agree to do my laundry. I’m still staring at overflowing hampers. Slacker!

Tired of speculating, I headed to the front porch. I immediately knew that my Valentine’s Day surprises would not come to fruition when I saw the words “Medline” stamped on the corrugated cardboard box. I took it inside, knife-sliced the packing tape and revealed the package of passion. It was a box of gloves. And lotion. I suppose if I were the creative type, these items could prove interesting, but I was really hoping for chocolate. Although the lotion is for Jamey, there’s no reason I can’t also use some of it as well. And I guess I could always use the disposable gloves when throwing out dead mice or something. So these are kind of gifts for me too. So I suppose my only kinda-sorta Valentine’s Day gifts this year will be from hospice. Hospice is kinda-sorta my secret admirer. And I know if I received an “I have a crush on you note” in the 5th grade signed, “Hospice”, I’d only have to pull back a sticker to reveal the name “Jamey.”

Happy Lotion and Glove Day everyone!

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